a more open and vulnerable post...

 I’m going to be really honest... being an only child really stinks sometimes. Yeah, I definitely receive more than I would with siblings, and yes I have great parents who enjoy spending time with me, but at the end of the day, I find myself looking for someone else to just spend time with. I have a pretty low number of friends for many reasons, but mainly because anymore I don’t screw around with people who don’t want to invest in a relationship with me. I spent YEARS trying to beg and plead people to hang out with me; I basically did whatever it took for them to be my “friend”. Let me tell you, people pleasing is exhausting, not to mention physically and mentally draining. I basically did this from first grade up until the middle of my junior year, I was in that much pain and needed affirmation that I was worthy. Let me let y’all in on a little secret – the only person’s opinion you should TRULY care about is God’s, and He thinks you’re not only worthy, but also fearfully and wonderfully made! :) 

Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with those lonely thoughts and feelings quite frequently; it is actually what inspired today’s post hehe. I feel guilty because as much as God helps my loneliness, I still crave to have those good memories and fun times with friends. What’s even more ironic, is that I have severe social anxiety, and before COVID that would make me excited when plans canceled so I wouldn't have to be in a large crowd or compete for the groups attention. If you hung out with me in those kinds of settings, you would think of me as the quiet one, because all these years of people pleasing has just made me too tired to try anymore. But for once I finally have grounded, honest, and Christ-like relationships with my friends. Unfortunately, while quarantine has helped me in a lot of ways, it also has forced me to stay away from friends. So when I have nothing to do, I hang out with my parents and dogs. But when I’m wanting to see friends, I text them, but they still have a busy life with their own bigger families that comes with its own challenges. You’re probably wondering how this connects to being an only child, well I will tell ya. I always have heard my friends tell me these great then not-so-great memories of them and their siblings, but in the end they always have each other, no matter how hard it gets. While I have that kind of relationship with my parents, I still am yearning for another relationship to share that bond with. Because at the end of a day (good or bad), I still go to bed at night wanting more. 

I feel like it sounds selfish, or like i'm saying that God or my family isn’t enough because they are! I just feel like my insecurities about my friendships are what makes me push people away. I mean, if someone doesn't reply back to me in at most day, I worry that I somehow did something wrong. Even with my very best friends I consider family, I still am wondering what I could do to fix it (when there's never anything wrong).I have always just wanted a friendship where for once, I wasn’t the one putting in all the effort, or trying to fix something that wasn’t even my fault; i’ve always wanted someone to put me first, below God of course. Again, I know that sounds odd coming from a girl who tries everything NOT to be the center of attention, but it’s true. I have been mistreated, pushed aside, walked all over, whatever you want to call it for so long that it would be nice if someone would put in that incredible amount of effort for our own friendship, or at least send a text in a timely manor.

I doubt my friends will ever read this, and if they do I don’t mind them hearing it. These are the words I have been afraid to tell anyone really. Although I have quit pleasing others who aren't worth my time, I still deeply care about my loved ones; I didn’t want my truth to offend or hurt them in anyway. Because they aren’t doing anything wrong, they’re the best friends I could ask for, and they have their own either adulting or preparing for college lives to live, I don’t expect them to attend to me every waking minute. It’s just that I truly treasure our time together and I simply just want more, it’s oftentimes the highlight of my day. And after the ended face time calls or friendly visits that really get me thinking; I never want our time together to truly end not just because I enjoy their company or the change in my day, but mainly because I don’t want to be alone at the end of the night with just me and my thoughts. On my last post, I wrote in depth about mental health and how it can affect someone’s mindset. If your new and haven't read any of my previous posts, I will catch you up to speed – I struggle with two anxiety disorders and have battled depression that still likes to creep back in once in a while. Recently, i’ve noticed it has gotten worse only because I hate confrontation and am too afraid to talk about what I’m feeling (also past experiences have scarred me and kept me from opening up). Unfortunately, I still feel like my problems are too little compared to the strong people I know and what they deal with. I feel like if I complain, then i'm wasting their time since they have it much worse. That, my friends, is why I rely on God, because I don’t have to be afraid of Him judging me, and He is there for me in a heartbeat. He will never forsake you! ♥️

Well friends, that is it for this post! Sorry it was a bit more depressing than the usual ones, but it feels better to get off my chest! I hope this post connects to and helps some of yall, and that yall have a great rest of your weekend. Happy New Year! 🎊 

“So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”” ~ Deuteronomy‬ ‭31:6‬ ‭NLT‬‬